


grimoires are basically just boyfriend catalogs

by circumlocute



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Demon Summoning, Demons, F/F, F/M, Illustrated, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 10:56:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16386554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/circumlocute/pseuds/circumlocute
Summary: John, Rose, Jade, and Dave summon a demon "for the lols."It works.At least he's cute?





	grimoires are basically just boyfriend catalogs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [liasangria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/liasangria/gifts).



> My prompt was:  
> "john, rose, dave, and jade are normal college students... until they find a book of Olde Magjicks and accidentally summon a rather crabby demon.
> 
> karkat vantas was just minding his own business in the infernal abyss when he's VERY RUDELY pulled out of the fiery pits of hell by four dumb humans—who all inexplicably find him adorable."

[SHOW DIALOGLOG]

DAVE: holy shit!  
DAVE: or unholy shit haha oh my god that was so bad im so sorry please dont eat me

KARKAT: WOW. ***WOW.*** SEE, I KNEW HUMANS WERE BIGOTED FUCKS, BUT THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS.   
KARKAT: THIS IS WHY I DON'T MAKE HOUSE CALLS ANYMORE, JUST SO YOU KNOW.  
KARKAT: YOU UTTER *ASSHOLES.*  
KARKAT: I HAVE A LIFE, YOU KNOW! I HAVE A JOB! IT'S NOT JUST ALL "LUDICROUS WEALTH" THIS AND "KILL MY ENEMIES" THAT. *SOME* OF US ARE A LITTLE MORE DISCERNING THAN THAT! 

JADE: soooo mx demon what DO you do all day if youre not busy eating peoples souls and things?? im dying to know!  
JADE: ive never seen a real demon before, this is so exciting!

KARKAT: WELL I MEAN SOULS ARE THE PREFERRED FORM OF CURRENCY, YEAH. BUT I DON'T *EAT* THEM, DO I LOOK FERAL TO YOU? I'M JUST SAYING, WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT, YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY. I PROVIDE SERVICES FOR A VERY SPECIFIC CLIENTELE. 

ROSE: Don't write us off so quickly as all that. You haven't even told us what "services" you provide, although you  _have_ done an excellent job of escorting my mind directly to the gutter. Well done.

DAVE: maybe its just because youre nasty and your mind bought an express ticket to the gutter all by itself did you think about that  
DAVE: taking the sewer train down to scenic drainage ditch

ROSE: Only if it was coming to visit your mind in its lovely gutter-home.

JOHN: yeah, dave. there is pretty much no way you weren't thinking it too. i can smell it on you.

DAVE: shut up

KARKAT: OH  
KARKAT: MY SWEET FUCKING HELL.  
KARKAT: WITH *THIS* OVERWHELMING DISPLAY OF COMPETENCE, I SHOULDN'T EVEN ASK HOW YOU MANAGED TO SUMMON ME IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE. 

JADE: would you believe us if i said it was an accident?

KARKAT: NO.

ROSE: Yes.

KARKAT: NO???

JOHN: i hate to be the bearer of bad news, demon guy, but...yes. it's true. 

KARKAT: *ABSOLUTELY* NOT.

DAVE: sorry dude yeah it was just supposed to be a goof this is like  
DAVE: kind of what we do except it never works so its just fun and you know an excuse to be like oooh spooky lets snuggle up for safety or whatever

KARKAT: YOU'RE ALL SO MUCH DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THESE LEVELS OF STUPIDITY WERE POSSIBLE, I'M GOING TO HAVE AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS. SUMMONING A HIGHLY-SPECIALIZED DEMON WHO, LET ME REMIND YOU, ***DOES NOT DO HOUSE CALLS*** INTO THE MORTAL PLANE.  
KARKAT: ON ACCIDENT.  
KARKAT: HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?? DON'T ANSWER THAT. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW. 

JADE: so hey speaking of being highly specialized...

ROSE: Oh, yes. What is it exactly that you do? Are you trained in leaving tantalizing hints about your mysterious life on the other side of reality, or is that merely a hobby of yours?

KARKAT: I DO ROMANCE. EXCLUSIVELY.

JOHN: like making people fall in love with each other and things?

JADE: i know i should have expected it given the whole morally ambiguous demon thing but thats kind of... :/

KARKAT: NO. FUCK'S SAKE. SEE, THIS SHIT? THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE? THIS IS WHY I DON'T LET RANDOM ASSHOLES DEMAND MY PRESENCE ANYMORE.   
KARKAT: I MEAN I COULD BUT 1) THAT SHIT IS FINICKY AS HELL AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO SEE WHAT A MORTAL DESPERATE ENOUGH TO MAKE A PACT WITH A DEMON WOULD DO IF IT DIDN'T HOLD. 2) I WANT LESS THAN NOTHING TO DO WITH THE KIND OF HUMANS WHO THINK THAT'S A FUN AND NORMAL THING TO DO.  
KARKAT: AND 3) I SAID *ROMANCE.* NOT INFATUATION OR LUST OR MANIPULATION. I AM TALKING REAL, TRUE *PASSION.* I AM TALKING FUCKING *MUTUAL* **DESIRE.**  
KARKAT: MOSTLY I GIVE PEOPLE ADVICE AND TOOLS TO NOT MAKE COMPLETE ASSES OUT OF THEMSELVES. TOOLS WHICH ALL OF YOU COULD REALLY USE, BY THE WAY. IF YOU WERE WONDERING.

DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: youre demon hitch

KARKAT: ...YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH. I KIND OF AM.

DAVE: hitch was a terrible movie dude

KARKAT: NEW IDEA!  
KARKAT: LET ME OUT OF THIS CIRCLE SO I CAN KILL YOU. 

JOHN: oh my god.

JADE: (guys hes so cute)  
JADE: (we have to seduce him)  
JADE: (i mean if he wants to be seduced obviously!!)  
JADE: (but hes soooo cute. im dying.)

ROSE: (No, you're right. We have to seduce him. He's a migraine personified, only somehow charming. My shriveled heart is all aflutter.)

JOHN: (ok yeah he is pretty much the most adorable ever. mission: woo this demon is a go.)

DAVE: (were all going to die)  
DAVE: (lets fuck the demon)  
DAVE: (and like presumably buy him flowers and shit)  
DAVE: (do you think demons want their flowers pre wilted)

KARKAT: WHAT?


End file.
